Writer's Block!

It's late. Like far too late for someone who has to be up early and pack for the tedious routine of moving back home from uni. However, after two heavy nights of drinking and this resulting in late wake-ups, my body clock has decided to give up on me. 

I thought that this would be a good time to write. The silence of the house, the nostalgia that fills me as I think of my second year at uni, the issues of other things, it all feels rather inspiring. I have my Word document up as I read over a short story I did a few days ago and begin to hate myself for writing something dreary and static. With every word that I felt myself to be a genius with, another layer of disappointment mounts up at how wrong I was. Writing has always been something I have had some interest in but only in the last few months have I actually tried to sustain a constant flow of creative works.

It is now that I have hit that elusive and immovable wall. Writer's block.

I have tried writing something new but found that it is more useful spilling my anger out onto my blog. It feels that with every word that goes down, a new fragment of frustration goes down with it. When I am 'in the zone' I actually write with a positive and excited attitude. Now I am just spitting words out of a dry mouth, hoping they will elude the bland nature that sticks to them and actually create something interesting. 

My hope was wasted.

I am now reading over a shrinking paragraph. Each re-read cuts another 5 or 6 words until it is a lonely sentence. So far I have mustered up 'Darkness had placed his hand over the city that night. Without a trace of sympathy he latched himself onto every surface and sucked out the colour like a leech. Slowly the buildings and roads merged into one hole and the man with a box for a home fell into it.' 

To me it just feels like a cliche, boring and amateur lump of turd that I was sceptical putting on my blog in the first place. I can safely say this is the most frustrated I have been whilst writing. I know I am naive 20 years of age and will have to accept that these moments will happen again and again but I would really appreciate some advice.

Project Cov

Ever since moving here in September, a house party was always expected to happen. Finally we got round to organising it as a last proper piss-up before exams start, not that I have any.

It was expected that around 30 people would come around 10pm (an hour after the official start time) with some +1s with them to fill out the house. What actually happened was that at 10:30pm the actual occupants of the house and a few close mates were sat twiddling their thumbs, drinking their alcohol and questioning whether the lights they had very specifically placed were OK. The first twinges of concern were starting to build into whether anyone would be there to appreciate the very specifically placed lights and enjoy our quality company. 

By 11:30 a considerable amount of people had arrived and the party was starting to become less of a little chatter between friends and an actual party. Shots were being shot, dance moves were being moved by those already quite drunk and the beer bong was in full use.

At midnight I went outside to do the bong and out of determination not to make a tit of myself, focused incredibly hard on it. It was only after my alcohol consumption that I heard 'ain't nobody f-ing with my clique' being chanted from the living room by a huge amount of people. It was on investigating this that I found that the house had become rammed with people, half of which I did not recognise let alone know. When I asked who they were they often replied with 'why do you want to know?'. I calmly explained how I was a tenant of this house for which they replied with 'ahh sorry, good party'. 

In the living area there was at least 30 people in it which is about 25 more than has ever been in it before. The playlist we had carefully put together was now off and black American rap was being screamed out by a huge group of lads. I had had no idea who they were apart from one individual. Ashley Powell, a person I had come to know quite well over the last few years, was jumping up and down in the middle of the group like an intoxicated kangaroo. We did make eye-contact for him to shout a Kanye West lyric at me, which seemed rather innapropriate with him being incredibly white. 

The rest of the night followed as described above with shots, beer bongs, dancing, singing/ rapping and drunk conversation eating the hours away. I had somehow begun talking to two Polish people in my incredibly inconsistent and over confident Polish. They said I was 'very good' but their faces told a different story. 

At around 3:30am many of the people had left and it became mine and the other hosts responsibility to finish off the remaining alcohol. This was a mixture of beer, cider, shots and a Polish beverage called bimber which at 70% was described by Liam Quinn (another accomplice from back home) as 'nuclear cat piss'. By this point everyone was incredibly drunk and drinking now was more of a challenge than a pleasure. Mr Powell had now made plenty of new friends and spent a good few hours rapping to all his favourite gangster tracks. I did have my 5 minutes of fame orchestrating Wonderwall by Oasis on my guitar standing on one of the sofas to about 15 people screaming 'AGAIN' as I gave myself an encore.

It is fair to say the clean up the following day was awful. There was a stickiness to every possible surface, still full cans on every table and chair and for some reason the kitchen wreaked of balsamic vinegar with cracked eggs and straws littering the floor. The hangover alongside this mess was equally as bad with my head feeling like it was about to implode and my mouth feeling as if I had been eating sand all night. There was obviously a full fry up the following morning but this only intensified the feeling of vomit beginning to rise in our bellies. 

However, regardless of the hangover, the state of the house after and the damage it had done to my student loan it was such an insane night. I witnessed awful rapping, a brilliant consumption of booze and someone so drunk they tried to switch off the light on the wall with their feet as they lay drooling in their own mess.

.

Goodbye Clarkson; burnt by his own flame

Today it was announced that Jeremy Clarkson has indeed been 'dropped by Top Gear'. In other words the BBC have sacked their most valuable asset and you can't argue that it was the only option.

I absolutely love Clarkson and it is because of his controversial humour that I watch Top Gear. I have always believed that he is the one character out of the three that leads the show. James May and Richard Hammond are necessary to assist him but you could argue they are replaceable. I don't think you will find another Clarkson and here is why I think so.

Some claim Clarkson provides a link to the old fashioned british humour that we don't see as much anymore. His attitude towards global warming is refreshing in a climate where everyone is 'green' obsessed. I am not saying that global warming is something that should be ignored but when it is being rammed down your throats it is sometimes quite nice to hear someone mocking an issue we are told will end us all.

His way of addressing the audience, his strong and controversial opinions and his sheer manner cannot be ignored and it leads us to listen to him. In a society whereby everyone in the media is trying to say something to gain popularity or to abide by political correctness, I think in Clarkson we had that one figure who did the opposite. What is unfortunate is that it is because of this that we might not be seeing him for a while.

He has had his entire career riddled with controversy which, for me at least, lead me to follow him even more. I found myself being fascinated in what he was going to say or do next. To be honest I don't really have much interest in cars or anything like that. I only watched Top Gear to see what the three did or had to say. And even though I have watched every episode to date I can't help but watch the endless repeats on Dave and it looks like that is all I will be able to do now.

However, in the end it is a huge shame that this whole thing has happened but lets face it, if you punched a colleague at work you would not expect to have your job. The BBC had been put in a position whereby they either thought of the commercial side of things or their values. Obviously the BBC prides itself of being incredibly middle minded and politically and this leads to us saying goodbye to Clarkson but only for the time being. He will be back and he will be more loved for it. Another channel will buy him and I'm pretty sure Hammond and May too and will be seeing his humour and refreshing personality on a television pretty soon.

So to finish off I say thank you Mr Clarkson for everything you have contributed to my Sunday evenings and I think most of all, smashing Piers Morgan in the face and shutting him up for a bit.

Party, police and pricks

Last Saturday our plans were to go to a university house party. I can't remember the last time I went to a house party and the rest of the group were excited for a cheap and sociable evening. We bought our booze a couple of days before and made sure we were sufficiently prepared with enough alcohol to last the evening.

On arrival we noticed that though the cab journey didn't seem to take so long, we were completely bewildered to our location in Coventry. The house looked nice enough and when we entered we found that though it looked relatively large on the outside, it was incredibly cosy on the inside. We lay our boxes of beer and cider outside so that they would remain cool and went inside to see what was what.

There was only around 20 people at the party at this point, 12 of which were us, so we decided to make our own entertainment by drinking and talking. Some individuals scouted the girls present and for those of us who were in a relationship, laughed at their disappointment that only 3 were actually present.

One individual of our group, John, had left to discuss his gym progress with an obvious stoner who was more interested in talking about how high he had been the night before. We again laughed as he looked at us from the other room quite confused into why we weren't going in to talk with them. The truth was we were quite happy with our own company. Furthermore, the guy in question loved singing My Chemical Romance whenever he had the chance and I can't be dealing with someone like that. .

Everything was going smoothly. We had started to make conversation with people we did not know and were getting involved with other groups. The party was starting to gain more people at this point and the alcohol consumed was starting to take effect. So as far as house party goes it was all going quite well. Until...

The doorbell rang and the host answered the door. Rico's (the host) face looked at those outside the house with a sort reluctant smile and welcome. Chris and I, who were sat in the other room watching, could tell that something wasn't quite right.

Four guys entered. Three of the four were incredibly round and the fourth looking like he hadn't eaten in a week. Two of the three round people were wearing polo tops which were clearly two sizes too small and the third fatty was wearing a coat, to our pleasing as two fabric stretchers was quite enough.

They came in and immediately we knew they weren't students. Not because of their appearance so much, though this did have some influence, but the very manner in which they waltzed in shouting and swearing with no regard for anyone else. Aaron, who had been school mates with the host had warned us that these people could come and stated they were 'massive knobs' and the only reason they were invited was because the host felt obliged to.We ignored the Jeremy Kyle contestants and left them to their own doing as we attempted to go on as we had done before.

About two hours later I was informed that a police van was outside and I decided to investigate. There was indeed a huge and full police van outside the front of the house. It turned out that one of the fabric stretchers had thrown a bottle outside, awoken a resident with children and racially abused them. On confronting the group I said 'why would you do that in a residential area?'. Their reply was 'it's a house party, got to have some fun'. I decided they were not worth the reply and left them to the host Rico.

It turned out that due to Rico's 'kindness' he could not tell them to leave. Chris and I insisted that if he wanted the party to be a success they would have to go otherwise the police would return after they politely warned us to not let it happen again.

Another hour later I got tapped on the shoulder by Abbie.

'The police are back again and one of the fat kids has just slammed the door in their face.'

Brilliant...

Next thing I know three police officers came round the back of the house into the garden. Two were in the house and around eight lined the entrance.

Not surprisingly they asked us to leave and that party was done. It was 1:30 am by this point but we had then planned to be there till the early hours of the morning. We picked up our existing drinks, most of mine had then been stolen, and headed through the house to leave. To my amazement the most stretchiest of fabric stretchers was trying to argue with police and questioning him on the law. The police officer looked at him with some amusement as we all did. The fat prick seriously thought he was better than the policeman!

I did ask why we had been asked to leave and the police officers were incredibly friendly and helpful in describing that they had two complaints and in a residential area that means two strikes and you're out. We completely understood and they knew who the culprits were but they apologised for having to end our night and gave us taxi phone numbers.

Once we returned home we were all quite annoyed that the pricks had gotten their way so we went and bought some greasy food and drunk the last of our beer. Chris was on full rage mode and ranted about how much he hated them for a good two hours. Even now if you bring the topic up his face goes a little pink and he goes 'argh', inhales and he's off again.

Having a party shut down by the police can show that the party was bouncing. This time it was not. It was just a few ignorant and thick skulled twats that believed that with size came confidence. It was a shame as everything was starting to get going and we were enjoying ourselves. But I think the biggest regret was that we hadn't even had the time to see one of the single lads make a complete tit of himself with one of the poor and unexpecting ladies.

How coursework lead to the discovery of the creepy housemate

Though this blog will most likely go out during mid-afternoon it is important to establish that it begun at 1:36am.

The reason for this is that my body clock over the past week has become completely distorted because of that old foe... the coursework deadline. And what better way to spend this peculiar time of night than writing a blog about the state it has left my mind in and what I have discovered harbouring in the house.

Firstly, I understand that some irritating and patronising few reading this might state 'but Matt, you shouldn't have left it to last minute' (goes out specifically to my dad who loves making this point). Yes it was set ages ago, but due to seminars on novels I am writing about having only recently happened, I wasn't going to begin the work to find out I had been wrong and needed start all over, DAD.

I have currently spent 10 hours in three days in the library. Might not sound like a lot but considering the other 62 hours were spent reading on relevant academia on the work done in those 10 hours, I think I have balanced it quite well. Reading academia for those not familiar with the term just means reading published articles on your essay topic to realise you cannot write anything near as good.

I much prefer coursework to exams and English does favour this. For example for the whole of my second year I have not had to endure one exam to my relief; mainly because I am crap at them.

But the problem with having an extensive piece of work is that it has the great ability to change your patience from a solid 8 to a complete zero. Your diet will become incredibly pizza orientated and will screw with your sleeping pattern. Even now it has got to 1:53 am and I am still wide awake.

Now the time is 16:52 as I finish it up and though it has been a few days since the deadline I have found that my sleep is still a little muddled. However, I have found that one certain individual awakens at this time of night (around 12am) and goes about his 'nightly' life.

We have someone living with us who never socilaises with us and the only time we see him is when he is skyping his American girlfriend, to which he attempts to imitate her accent with complete cringeness. His actual name will be hidden but that doesn't matter as we refer to him as Paddy, not that he knows this... The reason behind this name is because of Patrick Swayze who played a ghost in the film 'Ghost', a rather peculiar nickname but certainly has relevance.

In the middle of the night I hear him ponder downstairs to the kitchen whilst his irritating and fake American accent is in its most confidence. I hear the odd 'I love you baby' followed by an incredibly sloppy kiss sound or sometimes if he is feeling rather intimate 'what was that puppy?'. I lie in bed in complete horror that anyone could possibly act in this way.The nearest I get to imitating my Polish girlfriend is by shouting 'eeeshh meeesh' in a Borat accent to describe how the Polish language is thought to by the English, or maybe just me.

I struggle to understand how anyone can live with others without attempting to talk to them or even acknowledge them. We might be a group of guys who constantly take the piss out of eachother but we are a friendly bunch.

I am now forcing myself to wake up earlier so I can go to sleep before he wakes. Mainly so I don't have to endure his poorly executed American accent claiming that he is so in love with her that he feels the need to put his mouth right up to the camera to slobber... yes he does actually do this.

I get that not everyone wishes to socialise with certain people but come on! You can't stay in your room for the entirety of time doing things in front of a camera I am pretty sure would be illegal in most countries knowing of his character.

Yet even though he comes across as an nocturnal 'thing', he has succeeded where the rest of the group has failed. He possess something that usually makes someone an integral part of any friendship group. He has the 'nickname'. And for that he has some respect but I highly doubt he will be making the most of that come tomorrow when all the 'paddies' will be out drowning themselves in Guinness on his name day, St Patricks Day.

So tomorrow I feel it might be appropriate to raise a glass of the black nectar to honour Lord Paddy of the 10th floor and all of his creepy mannerisms. He might not ever speak to us but he has sure lead to us lot giggling and in a way contributing to our happiness.

Why student fees make sense

For most students when they are asked about student fees they are usually quite happy to criticise them without fully thinking it through. It is true that other countries pay far less when it comes to higher education. It is also true that if a Scot was to study in his homeland it would be free, yet if you were from anywhere else, it would cost. That by all accounts does seem completely ridiculous but I do believe that by shouting at politicians and universities about the £9,000 fee (not all courses) you need to take a step back to realise why they are doing it.

Firstly, they're not doing it to put us in massive debt and to cover the problems certain bankers have made in the last 10 years. The simple truth of the matter is so that universities can improve.

It is a common misconception that the actual study fee goes to the government. It doesn't! It goes to the university you are attending. That means that they can invest and improve so that when you apply for a job in the future they can look at the uni and go 'that's a good university'. It isn't going back into a complicated system which the government uses for benefits, the NHS, paying the EU or some other matter people love to moan about.

I am very lucky to be at a university that has clearly invested extremely well over the last 10 or so years. Coventry Uni has shot up the league tables since I have been here and in my first two years it has been voted Modern University of the Year 2014 & 2015. This doesn't just come from well planned lectures and good grades.

Yes the quality of the teaching and the classifications of degrees does have an influence, that's why Cambridge and Oxford are always up the top. However, it is not always what you have on a piece of paper that gets you a job or whether you went to fancy balls and have a sophisticated and frankly irritating accent and opinion on the world.

Ed Miliband has recently announced he will lower tuition fees to, if I am correct, £6,000 a year if he is voted in. This is probably a way for him to get younger voters to vote for him as everyone else has given up. Furthermore, he is willing to make these changes DESPITE last year having one of the highest recorded amounts of applications for university study. I can't see the logic in making this change if the money is not deterring students to going to university. He claims he didn't have that debt when he finished his degree and we shouldn't either... But to be honest Ed, you didn't have to worry so much about the money when you came out.

I do believe lowering tuition fees is a good idea if  the current fees raise a real question on the possibility of someone going to uni. It is clearly not doing that at the moment and to be honest if you have gone to any student finance talk, you will be aware that it does not cripple you when you start working and that paying back is doable.

I am not someone who has a wealthy background and has no money worries whatsoever. The idea of paying £££'s back when I am older is a horrible thought but I knew that was going to happen when I was applying to study. It is easy to moan and say 'we shouldn't have to pay'. That is right, but you don't have to go to uni to get a decent paid job. Going to uni is a sacrifice and a risk but it is one I have always been willing to take. And if it means that I have to pay back a fraction of my salary when I'm older so that universities can improve now then so be it. If putting yourself in debt is such a big problem then don't go to uni, simple as that. If you are at uni now and moaning then question how your university is funded and where the money comes from to pay for the academic professionals. Nothing is free in the world and if I am to spend a lot of money on something, my education isn't a bad investment, especially when I haven't had to pay a penny until uni.

A K cider type of night

Within my group of mates at uni we have a sort of tradition whereby if there is a special occasion we decide to buy a very specific pre-drink for a night out. This pre-drink is drunk with only one outcome possible; complete lack of any self-control and dignity. It tastes rancid, has a alcohol volume of 8.4% and goes by the name of K Cider.

The occasion for such a beverage was that a mate of mine was coming up to visit me in Coventry. He has come up twice before and one ended with myself being so horrifically drunk I cannot possibly say what happened. All I will say is that I was found with my trousers round my ankles and one shoe on in bed with a question being asked to whether I was still alive. This state was also caused by the joys of 'K'.

We bought our 4 cans for £6 and there was about 10 of us drinking it and all very excited to see what was to unfold throughout the night. The taste is so bad that it has to be drunk with some sort of blackcurrant squash just so it can even be durable. Yet still no matter how much you put in, it is always drunk with a grimace and an asking of 'why am I doing this?'

By about 2 cans in we all looked at each other with a sort of concerning expression as the effects of the liquid was already well underway. But even though we knew it was all to get much worse we bravely continued.

By about 10:30 my four cans were consumed and decided to have one Guinness just so I had something to drink for the remaining 30 mins. My head was a sea of a whatever brain I had left. It felt as if the drink had dismembered my brain so that just a pink mess was slopping around in my skull. I took a fuzzy look at everyone else and the expression seemed to be the same on everyone's face. A mixture of sheer delight at being at a state that now anything is acceptable and whether they will be sick or not. One poor lad who had never drunk K's before had brought with him 8 cans and had completed 6 by the time of leaving, a very rookie error. I turned to see if he was coming as we left and all I saw was him stroking the closed bathroom door like an affectionate mother would do to a child. I shouted 'Billy!'. He turned to me like an alert meerkat, looked at me with fear and ran to the stairs leading to downstairs and all that was heard was vomitting. We presumed he would be ok and no one really wanted to clean him up so we decided to leave.

We believed getting cabs we would be much more sensible instead of taking the 20 minute walk and proceeded to find two. However, one of the group had a better idea... Strictly under the influence of alcohol, Nathan, our resident old boy at the age of 23 decided to ride his unicycle to the club. He hadn't been drinking Ks but instead had been drinking some of my 65% home-brewed polish whiskey or commonly known as 'bimber'. He surprisingly looked quite capable of doing this and we watched him cycle, (is that right for a unicycle?) with a lock in one hand, down the road and round the corner. It is important to note we did not see him for the remainder of the night but he did return with his beloved unicycle a few hours later.

Being in the club is an incredibly blurry memory. We lost half the group almost immediately. We later found out that 5 had returned home and one had fallen downstairs naked with a full 2 pint stein of water. Apparently the hilarity of watching this was uncomparable. Moreover, after getting up he remained naked and wandered the house looking for friends. The remainder of us spent the rest of the night dancing and laughing at ourselves. I was later told that I spent most of the night on the floor as I kept falling over and making a tit of myself. There was some dancing but it was more of an attempt to stay stood up than rhythmic movement to the music.

Eventually I got to a point when even my mate who had come up said 'Matt, just go home'. I declared to him that I was not going to leave him like a soldier says dramatically in some Hollywood film. He insisted and I realised that the night for me was well and truly peaked and a burger and bed was needed. So I said my emotional goodbye and got a burger, a cab (for which I think I grossly overpaid) and got back.

Before going to bed I decided to go to the toilet to risk any further embarrassment. What I found was my bathroom, which only I use, covered in shaving foam and my shower door completely broken off. I was told that the 6 can guy who was sick was found by the early returning group and they proceeded in removing his eyebrows by shaving them. This was why there was shaving foam everywhere. The removed shower door was due to one of my friends pinning another in the shower and this resulting with the removal of a whole door. I am still curious into what might have actually been happening but of course they say it was 'just a bit of fun'.

The hangover the next day was absolutely awful. I think the headache was the result of my brain fusing back together and the very sore wrist being due to the high amount of falling overs the night before. A few videos were found on phones but nothing too revealing. One had Chris, our resident Mancunian, shouting to my mate from home Ash, 'Wherever you go I fucking go'. The point of this remark is still not understood. There was one clip of me drinking water in the club and my face looking like it was melting and all muscle function was gone apart from being able to do a ridiculous and exaggerated smile to the camera.

Overall it was a night that we all intended to happen and will be looked back on with success. Not just because it was a great night with a childhood mate but that the stories from it can be told for years to come.

Valenwhat?

There is no other time in the year where jealousy is more rife and the generosity of others is published more relentlessly than Valentines Day.

It is the same every year...

A week prior to February 14th there are the few who are already tweeting or posting something like 'brace for the pandora posts in a week' or 'can't wait for the valentine posts...' These are usually the same people every year and luckily this is a small group.

I can't quite understand why people moan about valentines day. Yes, it is nice to have someone and maybe as a guy I am being slightly insensitive to the woman who crave a bit of love after the usual blues of January but come on! There is more to life than moaning about a single day.

I agree that the endless posts about some unnecessarily expensive watch or other piece of jewellery are irritating but I wouldn't say it is 'jealousy' that someone has more money than me that annoys me. For me it is how the individual wants to show 'how spoilt' they are and how they want to make others jealous of them. I honestly couldn't care less if your boyfriend can splash out on something like that but don't shove it in my face.

Unfortunately Weronika is leaving Thursday so we are doing our Valentines day today and making it a whole lot more simple. A simple card and a meal out is enough for us, maybe the meaningful present put in but it won't cost a silly amount of money. Keeping things simple always makes life easier and by keeping it simple does not mean less effort! I am for one not a huge fan of Valentines day as I just look at it as a day that shouldn't really be needed. A day of 'love' for me is usually an anniversary or treating them on their birthday. If we need a day to tell us to treat them a bit more special than we must be doing something wrong in the rest of the year.

However... like most guys in a relationship if she wants to celebrate it then you will just have to accept it and get on with it. Just don't worry so much about the materialistic side of the day. Keep all that to a minimum as then it means an extra beer can be afforded at the dinner and it prevents the inevitable headache of deciding what special present needs to be bought. The same headache that is only just leaving after Christmas.

A traditional uni birthday

Birthdays are usually the most anticipated day of the year for the majority. Yet as you get older you usually find that they lose the excitement that they originally had until you get to your 18th.

Birthdays from 0-12 usually consist of burgers and ice-cream with the occasional birthday party thrown in every couple of years. At 12-17 they lose a lot of what they originally had and the presents normally dominate the day more than they should. 18+ they become something completely different.

At uni, birthdays aren't always seen as a positive for the individual having the birthday but more of an opportunity. Presents are very rarely anything but a drink in the pub but this is not to mean that it is a kind gesture of buying them there favourite drink.

My birthday started with myself buying a pint and everyone sat together enjoying a simple beverage. Then out of nowhere there were two shots waiting for me on the table. One being black sambuca, a vile liquid thick with everything evil in the world. The second was chili sambuca, a bright green acid that when the disgusting taste has passed a burning goes about destroying your mouth and throat. Luckily the following two drinks were a pint of Carlsberg and my favourite, a pint of Guinness. A few shots of tequila followed and a couple more pints and then the pricks of the group had there say in buying me a drink. Joe, whose birthday drinking session is luckily tonight, bought me something called 'liquid cocaine'. This is a shot made of tequila, gin, vodka and baileys. Then a little bit is extracted so that when necking the shot, the extracted bit is then snorted through a shortened straw. The pain cannot be described in normal langauge but to simplify it, it is not a pleasant experience. The last drink was something called a 'gas chamber'. This is in essence flaming sambuca but the fumes are kept so that after drinking the shot the fumes are inhaled, this time luckily through the mouth. A few pints followed and the rest of the night was left for me to try and digest the foul drinks and for them to laugh at my drunk sayings and doings.

One of the main benefits of having a birthday at uni is that firstly you don't have to worry about coming home to your mum or dad waiting to judge you or see you embarrassing yourself. Another is that if you are living with the people who are giving you the drinks, it is their responsibility to get you home safely so you can get yourself to a proper screwed up state.

So to finish up, if you have a mate who has a birthday coming up don't just settle for buying them a drink. Buy them the strongest/ most repulsive drink that is available as if you're going to spend money on someone, make sure it is well spent. However, this is not to say you shouldn't look after them. As soon as they get that drunk they are your responsibility. So just make sure they get home and that when you are there then anything goes.

A drunken story

Last Friday (23rd) we found ourselves in the usual scenario of being in the pub, drinking and exchanging jokes at eachothers expense. I was drinking beer at a slow pace as I was hoping to be in the pub for a good few hours and didn't want to peak too early. However, some of the group were planning on going clubbing later in the evening. They tried to persuade me to come but after my first week back at uni I just wanted a chilled out drinking session.

Who was going and who was not was pretty much decided. All apart from one individual, Aaron. Now Aaron originally said no to this and was drinking his double-vodka lemonades at a comfortable pace for the same reasons as I was. But after an hour of chatting and contemplating, Aaron thus decided that clubbing would be a good idea and decided to go. However, there was a problem. When Aaron goes clubbing he can't just be tipsy or even drunk. He has to be absolutely obliterated, so that any hint of self-regard/ safety are long gone. He was though at this point in the night barely fuzzy from what he had consumed and with there being only an hour and a half left till departure, he had to speed up his intake of alcohol. What wasn't expected was the sheer rise in speed of consumption. Originally he was buying one drink to last about half an hour. Now he was buying two at a time to last for 15 minutes before getting another 2. So by the time it came to his leaving he was pretty much seeing double of everything and his eyes glazed over with what I can only imagine being vodka, as I doubt there was any room left for it to go within his body. But either way, he felt he had succeeded in getting him to the state he felt was acceptable to go clubbing and they departed.

3 hours later.

I returned from the pub with some grub and set about eating it whilst drinking some water so that the hangover the next day could be tamed a little. After this was finished I decided to head to bed at around 2am.

Then it all kicked off.

I heard what can only be described as a mixture of a heavy metal scream and the sound of a gag. Yet though this surprised me at first, I immediately knew who was the culprit and decided to investigate. I got to the bathroom on the first floor and found it locked so with a little pick locking, I opened it. What I saw was a hairy blob on the floor with its head buried in the toilet bowl vomiting furiously.

Aaron loves a good flirt

'Mate, you alright?'
The reply was just a desperate 'uh huh'.
So I tapped him on the back and left to go back to bed.
What followed was enormous banging coming from the same bathroom Aaron was in. I decided to just leave him to do what he wants but was told the following morning through another source what was actually happening.

Aaron had decided to take a shower but somehow was struggling to close the shower door, even though there is no lock of any kind and just needs to be pulled towards him to close it. So all
I can imagine is that he was pulling it so furiously that it was bouncing back out the hinge, making him think something was wrong. A very surprised Abbie was then the unfortunate person to open the bathroom door to see him now naked and very confused to why the shower door wasn't closing and wasn't even switching on. He hadn't switched on the correct switch and just stood there in bewilderment. Abbie then helped him switch on the shower and left him. She returned 20 minutes later to find him naked and sleeping on the floor of the bathroom in the pitch black.

Adding to supplies

Next morning.

Myself and Billy first met him on the sofa looking pretty awful and asked him what happened and what time he got back. He didn't know and had no recollection of what had happened the night before and that someone apart from his mother had now seen him naked. So Billy and I decided to see what state his room was in.

Firstly there was sick on his bed and his bin had a lovely puddle of the previous nights dinner and vodka. However the most shocking element was walking into his room. I was wearing slippers, Billy was not and he quickly commented on how the majority of the carpet was soaking wet.
'Maybe its water?' Billy asked in hoping that I would agree.
'Maybe it's not?' I replied starting to giggle. Billy on the other hand, did not find it very amusing.
So to clarify we asked Aaron what the substance on his floor was and it was indeed urine. However, the smell, according to Aaron did not occur until the Monday after and he has informed me that it still lingers.

He did attempt to clean up mind you. He used Billy's flannel which he claims, 'no one used'. He has now promised to purchase a new one for Billy who is distraught that one of his Christmas presents has been used to soak up urine.

This story is pretty tame in comparison to others but I thought I better start light and build up to the really ridiculous events that have happened.

An insight into the stereotype of uni life

University life is often believed to be a booze obsessed and money stricken experience but there is so much to it than that... sometimes. 

Now it varies greatly on what you study. If you are like myself who is currently doing an English degree (at Coventry University) it is usually scrutinised for being a 'hobby' or 'dos' degree. This is most likely due to the vast amounts of spare time given to students. However, this isn't for the use of sleeping or discussing the ways in which a budget of £2.50 can be used to supply sufficient amount of alcohol for a night out; we leave that for the math students.

No.

This time is allocated for the in-depth reading of many texts but those who study math or some other 'useful' degree seem to regard this as a enjoying past time. 

In response to this I say that reading texts such as 'Absalom, Absalom!' is not always an enjoyable experience. But I would rather be doing this than doing 4 pages of calculations to find that the value of x was some number I could not care less about. 

Debates between the southerners and northerners are common within the university household. 

If you are from the south of England like myself and speak correctly (awaiting some comment about that), you will find many others will like to argue the pronunciation of 'grass', 'brass' or 'bath'. Granted that bath is not spelt 'barth' but that is the way it's said, get over it.

Another common debate/ argument is whether the meal you have at around 1pm is 'lunch' or 'dinner' and whether your evening meal is 'tea' or 'dinner'. Apparently 'lunch' doesn't exist up north... Thankfully though we can agree on breakfast being in the morning. 

The nights out, drinking, societies/ sports will be posted in another blog as that is an entire subject in itself and will need sufficient concentration to understand how a pack of 4, yes only 4, 'K' ciders will leave the rest of the night to someone else's doing.

So to just finish off, if you are from the south and find yourself living with northerners, just play along with it, they will learn eventually. And if you are from the north and reading this then us southerners aren't too bothered about how you say things, we can't understand you half the time anyway.

 Me (middle) trying to escape a couple of northerners in a club. They sniffed me out from the crowd and didn't leave me for the rest of the night.